the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
