This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
