OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
