Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
