he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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