God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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