At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
