You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
