hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Come share oat with me in your robe
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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