i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
