I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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