On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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