R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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