Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
