We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
