There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you never un-have a 4some
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
