highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
