The maid of honor just puked.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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