I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
