Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
