Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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