ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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