I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
