thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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