I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
