is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
