I think my fart just growled at me.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
