I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
where are you?
Hypothermia
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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