I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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