Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing