woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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