i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize