i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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