I cannot find my penis.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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