EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Houston, we have a squirter
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
