"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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