help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.