He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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