Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
