I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?