NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
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You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???