hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
