We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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