Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
