The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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