I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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