Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he was CRYING into my vagina
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
