Someone shit on the floor
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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