I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize