More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
