that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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