do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
