people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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