shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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