I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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