Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
