headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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