I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
