White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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