I accidentally had phone sex last night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
