I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
